Joke List

Here are some lists that I found and were forwarded to me. I thought they were funny, I hope you appreciate them. If you have any lists you think should go on this page email them to me.

When professors say this . . . They really mean this!

He says--This needs some minor revision.
He means--I never actually got around to reading this.

He says--My office hours are by appointment only.
He means--I like to screw out of here early.

He says--Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
He means--I'll be fudging your grades.

He says--This won't be on the test.
He means--Nap time!

He says--Bring the text to class.
He means--I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.

He says--He's not fully up to speed on that.
He means--He's got his head up his ass.

He says--I don't have the latest department guidelines. . .
He means--I've got my head up my ass.

He says--Let's check with Dr. So-and-so on that before we proceed. . .
He means--I've got my head up HIS ass.

He says--Not much is known about . . .
He means--I don't know anything about . . .

He says--We'll be spending a fair amount of time on this important concept.
He means--This was my dissertation topic.

He says--Talk to the department secretary.
He means--Fuck off.

He says--Talk to me in my office after class.
He means--Get out of my face.

He says--The tests will all be multiple-choice.
He means--I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.

He says--Don't come in late during my lecture.
He means--I have the attention span of a fruit fly.

He says--Save your questions until the end.
He means--See above.

He says--The final will be comprehensive.
He means--I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.

He says--Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
He means--This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.

He says--There are two TAs available to help you.
He means--I can't be bothered.

He says--This year I'll be scaling the grades.
He means--I just passed tenure review.

He says--Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
He means--I have a hangover.

He says--Let's have class outdoors today!
He means--I had beans for lunch.

He says--You won't be able to sell the text back to the bookstore.
He means--My contract wasn't picked up.

He says--Hmm . . . He means--What the fuck? He says--Well, that answer would be beyond the scope of this course.
He means--I haven't a clue.

He says--Ha, ha . . .
He means--That was supposed to be funny . . .

He says--Please note the last day to withdraw.
He means--The midterm's gonna suck.

He says--The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
He means--I only got around to making up the test last night.

He says--The second list is optional reading.
He means--I have a rich fantasy life.

He says--I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
He means--The asshole department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.

He says--Well, it was on the syllabus.
He means--I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.

He says--We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
He means--There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.

He says--Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
He means--See above.

He says--Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
He means--I'm so fucking boring that no one would show up otherwise.

He says--Read chapters 5 through 10.
He means--I'm not coming in at all next week.

He says--We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
He means--I fucked up the lecture schedule.

He says--Let's go over the exam.
He means--Half of you failed.

He says--It was in the textbook.
He means--I pulled it out of my ass.

He says--Extra credit is available
He means--I need some shit work done.

He says--I'm postponing today's exam.
He means--There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.

He says--Don't write on the question sheet.
He means--I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every fucking semester.

He says--Next time we'll see a film.
He means--I ran out of lecture material.

He says--Don't worry, that won't be on the exam.
He means--Ask someone who gives a shit.

You might be a college student if . . .

you have the pizza delivery phone number memorized.

you have ever shown up for class wearing the same outfit you wore to bed the previous night.

your idea of a square meal is a box of pop-tarts.

you have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and had to step over more than two complete strangers sleeping on your floor.

it feels weird taking a shower without wearing beach sandals.

you schedule your day around "The Rosie O'Donnell Show" or any other daytime soap or talk show.

you have developed a weekly ritual of waking up blurry-eyed on Saturday afternoons and proceeding to determine where the hell you are.

it doesn't faze you at all to carry on a pleasant conversation with someone while taking a shit.

a baseball cap and some binaca make an acceptable substitute for daily grooming.

you have ever done laundry at 4am.

you have ever sung from a rooftop.

you have ever vomited from a rooftop. Or down a stairwell.

you know approximately how many people can fit into your closet, shower stall, or the trunk of your car.

you have ever traveled anywhere with several bags of dirty clothes.

you have ever seen a sofa fall past your bedroom window. On fire.

you have ever paid $100 for a single book without batting an eye.

you have ever sold that same $100 book eight months later, unread, for seven bucks.

more than twenty percent of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.

you have done a week's worth of food shopping at Walmart.

you have ever heaved seventeen beer cans and a liter of vodka into a foot locker because someone at your door didn't use the secret knock.

you have ever actually used some of the complex mathematical formulas from your physics class notes to determine the best way to "relocate" a granite statue.

you know not to enter your room when a certain object is hanging from the doorknob.

you have to lock up your television when you retire at night.

you have ever been excited to find a pair of $15 jeans in your size.

you have ever had to wait in line to brush your teeth.

you have caught yourself using words such as "aggregate" or "egregious" in casual conversation.

you have a calling card, but no phone.

you have a credit card, but no job.

your hair color changes more often than the season.

there have ever been more than nine people in your car at once.

you can tell the time of day by the noise level in the hall outside your door.

the "home fries" you were served at breakfast look suspiciously like the french fries you were served at dinner the night before.

you have inexplicable urges to have various body parts pierced.

you actually know someone named Sasha.

empty cans or cigarette boxes make good room decorations.

you have ever climbed from your friend's third-story window to your own fourth-story window because you locked yourself out of your room.

you set your alarm clock for 8:50am to make a 9:00am class.

there are usually a few people out jogging in front of your building at 11pm.

you have ever spent the day shopping without purchasing a single new item.

you call your auto club more often than you call your mother.

you have ever opened your door and found a naked person hurrying past it.

you have rediscovered afternoon naps. <---This is SO true!!!

you have ever found yourself at a hospital emergency room seeking treatment for a "slam-dancing" injury.

you'd rather go hungry than break off your Internet connection to order a pizza.

you include "photocopying" in your monthly budget.

you were in debt by $20,000 before your twentieth birthday.

you have ever seen someone ignite a fart.

you store your toiletires in a bucket next to your bed.

you have ever been part of a team whose goal was to get a goat in a volkswagon onto the domed roof of the administration building before dawn.

people suddenly shut up while Letterman does the "Top Ten" list.

110 Things the College Viewbooks Don't Tell You

1. Quarters are like gold.
2. Be creative in the dining hall.
3. Flip-flops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.
4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.
5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.
6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos
7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.
8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)
9. Showers become less important.
10. Sleep becomes more important.
11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!
12. Recycling becomes synonymous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").
13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).
14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).
15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.
16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol...
17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.
18. You begin to nap again (also not new).
19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.
20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
21. Labs used to be fun.
22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.
23. Squirt guns = stress relief.
24. E-mail becomes your second language.
25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.
26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.
27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.
28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.
29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.
30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.
31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.
32. Road trip whenever possible.
33. Pick up all new lingo.
34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.
35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.
36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.
37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.
38. Forget putting the toilet seat down, you just pray that they flush.
39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.
40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.
41. College guys are the same as high school guys, just with more freedom...and no curfew.
42. It never sucked so much to get sick.
43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.
44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when she leaves you the room.
45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not
46. You'll learn more about male genitalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.
47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.
48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.
49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.
50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.
51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.
52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.
53. Disney movies are more than just classics.
54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.
55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.
56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.
57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.
58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.
59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.
60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.
61. You almost forget how to drive.
62. You'll drink anything if it's free..
63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.
64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.
65. The guy you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.
66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurrence.
67. You never realized how cool you can be.
68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.
69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.
70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.
71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.
72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.
73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.
74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, parties...
75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.
76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.
77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.
78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).
79. Procrastination becomes an art.
80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).
81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.
82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.
83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare. 84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.
85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.
86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.
87. Classes: the earlier the better.
88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.
89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.
90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.
91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.
92. You just don't learn last names.
93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.
94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.
95. Card games never lasted for hours before.
96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.
97. Boys will dance in college.
98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home. 99. You are NEVER alone.
100. You find out what beer sludge is.
101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.
102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.
103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.
104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.
105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.
106. You never realized how quiet your house was.
107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.
108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.
109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.
110. Your life will never be the same again.

The Night Before Finals

A Student's Prayer